Facing the Music And Living To Talk About It Page 3

  I felt uncomfortable and helpless. I was embarrassed to a degree, and I felt guilty too. I thought, Man, it’s my fault she’s like this! I took on the guilt and responsibility for her drug problem because I’d set a bad example. I was in the celebrity spotlight and my brother and sisters were watching me. They saw me drinking and getting arrested for fighting and for drunken driving. I just wasn’t a good example for them to follow for a long time.

  MISSED OPPORTUNITIES

  After I left home and joined BSB, I had a chance to change the course of my life. Many things were better, but instead of leaving the personal chaos behind, I took it with me. I could have stopped what was already a growing pattern of self-destructive behaviors, but I didn’t. The other kids in my family looked up to me and when they saw me partying and getting into trouble, they figured that’s how they should act too. I didn’t take my responsibility as their role model seriously enough. Those thoughts all hit me when my little sister came to my concert in Toronto in such bad shape. She was slurring and falling down. I could not understand what she was saying. I felt helpless and frustrated.

  The memory of that is still vivid. Those scenes played in my mind whenever Leslie would get in trouble or do something hurtful. I felt she was reaching out to me with one hand but pushing me away with the other. She wanted money and love, but at the same time she lashed out at me. I wasn’t equipped to handle it.

  I TOOK ON THE GUILT AND RESPONSIBILITY FOR HER DRUG PROBLEM BECAUSE I’D SET A BAD EXAMPLE.

  About a year before she died, Leslie showed up at my getaway home in rural Tennessee. I was in Los Angeles at the time. My security company called and said the alarm had gone off. Leslie had somehow found a way in. I had no idea she was there. Another time, she came out to L.A. and I heard she was trying to find sources for Xanax. I told her to stop, but she let me know, in no uncertain terms, that it was none of my business.

  Leslie was breaking my heart. It makes me sad to see my brother and sisters get into bad situations because I think they deserve better. I just wish they felt the same way. One of the biggest behavioral patterns I have noticed in my family is that we often feel we deserve to be punished or mistreated. We tend to be martyrs and victims. This pattern has existed in me and caused me to be reckless with my money and my health and wellbeing. In fact, behavioral patterns like these can be passed down in families from generation to generation unless they are recognized and broken. I became aware of our family’s victim pattern during therapy, where I learned that if you don’t work to break it, you could pass it on to your children.

  My brother and sisters and I all have dealt with the feeling that we are unworthy, and so when bad things happen to us, we feel as if we deserve those things. After I recognized that pattern in myself, I was able to see it clearly in them, too. I tried to help by telling them they had the right to dream big and to be whatever they wanted to be.

  Leslie did give it a try at times. She had some success as a singer early on, but she became discouraged when her singing career came to a sudden halt. She’d signed a recording deal in 1999, when she was about 13 years old. She cut an album, but her label, DreamWorks Records, didn’t release it right away. They first released a single, “Like Wow!” to build interest. That single made the Billboard Hot 100 and appeared on the Shrek soundtrack. One critic reviewed a promotional copy of the album and gave it a very good write-up in The Village Voice, but the label canceled its release at the last minute. Rumors spread that Leslie had developed a weight problem that worried the label’s marketing people. My sister was really hurt by all the talk about her body.

  I FELT SHE WAS REACHING OUT TO ME WITH ONE HAND BUT PUSHING ME AWAY WITH THE OTHER.

  She moved to Canada and toured as a singer there for a while. She also did a showcase in New York City in 2006, hoping to get another record deal. For a couple of years Leslie also sang with a band, but they never signed with a label either. It’s so tough to make it as a singer. I encouraged Leslie to focus on writing songs because she was really good at that. She had journals full of lyrics. The problem was that Leslie had gotten a taste of what it was like to be a celebrity performer and that became her dream. She wanted to be famous, but songwriters are rarely household names. Leslie convinced herself that fame was the key to happiness, which is a common mistake many young people caught up in the whole celebrity fantasy world make.

  Again, it is sort of a family curse. We all seem to want to be famous, yet we don’t feel worthy of fame. I guess that’s why chaos is such a part of our story. In the days before Leslie’s death, our father tried to help her, but his attentions weren’t enough. She was broken and none of us could seem to fix her.

  People have asked why I didn’t intervene and send her to rehab, but for rehab to work you have to be ready to heal yourself. I’ve been around people who’ve gone through the process but because they weren’t ready to change their lives, the therapy didn’t have much effect. Some of them have gone three or four times. What you must realize is that until people want to help themselves, nothing will cure them. They have to have a real desire to get better; otherwise they’ll fall back into their old behaviors as soon as they get out.

  Those in need of help have to decide that taking pills, doing drugs, or drinking too much is self-destructive, and they also have to decide that self-destruction is not what they want. That’s important. But it doesn’t stop there. They not only have to want to save themselves, they have to feel worthy of being saved, and worthy of leading a better life once they are saved.

  I remember even when we were enjoying our first waves of success as the Backstreet Boys, I was struggling with the sense that I didn’t deserve all of the good things that were coming my way. I was not comfortable with all of the media attention or the public’s expectation that I serve as a positive role model.

  Despite my success with BSB, I was still carrying the burden of insecurity from my past. My therapists would later tell me that a lot of the negative things I did were subconscious efforts to sabotage my career because, as I said at the very start of this chapter, I didn’t think I deserved success or happiness. As much as I wanted to help Leslie and my other siblings overcome their problems, I was wary of getting in too deep with them because I had my own challenges. My therapist warned me about this. It’s not selfish to protect yourself when you are vulnerable. It’s actually very necessary.

  Before a passenger plane leaves the gate, the flight attendants instruct those on board that if the oxygen supply is cut off in the cabin, each individual needs to first put their own drop-down masks on before trying to help anyone else around them. You can’t help other people if you are gasping for breath yourself. Lifeguards are taught this concept in their training as well. They are instructed in specific self-defense techniques used in water rescue. The goal is to keep the panicking person from drowning the lifeguard who is trying to help them.

  We all want to help others who are struggling in their lives, especially if they are our loved ones, but as these universal survival methods prove, you have to save yourself first. Being a martyr or a victim does no one any good. You need to be strong, stable, and secure before you can see anyone else to safety.

  FEELING WORTHY

  I don’t share these stories about Leslie’s and my relationship lightly. They are not very flattering, but I’m in a much better place now than I was then and feel that I can throw a lifeline out to others. Don’t feel badly if you aren’t there yet. It’s a day-by-day process. Some days I’m much more successful at feeling strong, stable, and secure than on other days. I have many years of bad behavior and negative thinking to overcome. My default behavioral patterns—the ways I act when I don’t consciously think things through—are so badly flawed. Believe me, it is difficult to change lifelong patterns. I’ve needed help from professionals, and there is no shame in that. There is shame only in wasting your life by not making the most of your talents and your gifts and the precious time you’re given.

  You d
eserve to feel and look great and to enjoy the best life has to offer. And you must expect those things for yourself. Now that doesn’t mean you need to have money or fame to be happy and fulfilled. There have been all kinds of studies showing that once you have enough for life’s essentials—food, clothing, and shelter—amassing more and more money doesn’t increase your level of happiness. I mean, how many miserable and screwed up rich and famous people have you heard about?

  Look at me. I’ve made tons of money thanks to BSB and I’ve had my share of fame, but you can’t imagine how often I wished I had a more normal life, especially in my younger days when I was often lonely and missed my family. I’m grateful for all of the success I’ve had, but I’ve also come to understand that real happiness isn’t about how many nice things you can buy. It’s about finding what you love to do and doing it in ways that make a difference to those around you. For most people, happiness comes from relating in positive ways to the world.

  Think about it, what makes you truly happy? (And don’t say shopping!) Most people are happiest when they are engaged in doing what they love to do. Sometimes they call this being in the zone or in the flow or bliss. For me, it’s being on stage performing for an audience, but you can experience the same sense of fulfillment whether you are a number cruncher, an auto mechanic, a house painter, or a dog trainer—as long as that’s what you love to do.

  WE ALL SEEM TO WANT TO BE FAMOUS, YET WE DON’T FEEL WORTHY OF FAME.

  We all have the ability to move mountains and do things that are out of this world if we just use our minds. You can’t remain stuck somewhere unless you give up. You don’t have to settle for less than what you want to be. You don’t have to stay where you are right now. You may not necessarily achieve your greatest dreams, but why not try? What have you got to lose? You know that nothing better will happen if you just sit on your butt all day complaining and playing the victim.

  I cannot emphasize this enough: You have to believe you deserve the best. You have to want it. You have to go after it. And you have to be willing to ask for help when you need it. I tried to help my sister. I know I wasn’t the greatest role model, but I wanted her to be happy and my intentions were good. I wished with all my heart that she would’ve let me help her, but she didn’t and that’s just a damned tragedy.

  Don’t let your talents or your life go to waste. Claim the best life you can imagine. If you need to make a change, do it. When I finally began going to a therapist after acknowledging that I needed help, one of the first things I learned is that all these filters I had in place since childhood were not just affecting my thinking and the way I perceived the world, but they were also affecting my ability to communicate with the people I cared most about.

  I WISHED I HAD A MORE NORMAL LIFE

  My relationship with my brother and sisters was toxic in many ways. We weren’t good for each other even though, deep down, we love each other. This is all very, very sad to write about and sadder to have experienced. I still grieve over Leslie’s death and the fact that she died before we could come together on good terms.

  DON’T LIVE WITH REGRET

  It breaks my heart to even think about it now, but I did not go to Leslie’s funeral. I was in New York City when she died. I couldn’t get on the plane and go up there because some members of my family were blaming me for her death. It hurt me so badly to hear them say things like that. It really stung me.

  Some were saying that if I’d been there for her, she wouldn’t have died. That’s the most horrific thing someone could say. At one time, I might have allowed them to do that to me, but by the time Leslie passed away, I had become much more secure and healthy; I knew better than to accept that lie as truth. All I’ve done is love my family while trying to protect myself.

  I did intend to go to Leslie’s funeral. I wanted to see my sister for a last time. I wanted to say goodbye to her that day, yet I also knew I had an obligation to take care of myself, and there was a fine line between those two choices. I had promised to be there and I needed the closure, but when I spoke with the family members organizing the services and they unloaded on me like that, I just knew I couldn’t be there.

  I got sick talking to them. I was crying, lying on the floor in the bathroom for two hours. I was so upset; I couldn’t go up there to our mother’s place because I didn’t want to be around all that negativity.

  My body and my mind couldn’t have taken it. I used to allow negativity to overwhelm me, but I can’t physically do it anymore. I have to take care of myself. I have to protect myself from situations that might send me back into that black hole of depression again.

  I struggle every day with the emotional aspects of losing my sister to drugs and alcohol. It’s a daily battle for me to stay away from them myself. Leslie knew that I loved her just as I love everyone in our family. They are my blood, but loving someone doesn’t mean you have to take abuse from them. Being there for family is important in most cases, but if the situation is unhealthy and could hurt you emotionally or physically then you need to protect yourself. I’ve had to learn the hard way to recognize which situations are not good for me.

  I USED TO ALLOW NEGATIVITY TO OVERWHELM ME, BUT I CAN’T PHYSICALLY DO IT ANYMORE.

  I thought Leslie and I were making some progress on our relationship before she died. I loved her and I know she loved me, despite our differences. It is a horrible feeling to lose a loved one in any situation, and even worse to lose an important person in your life with hard feelings still lingering. I’ve made peace with my memories of Leslie now, but it took a long time.

  I would encourage you to never be put in the same position. Don’t let disagreements or feuds keep you apart from those you love. Forgive them and ask their forgiveness because you never know when they might be gone forever.

  RISE ABOVE

  Leslie never learned that we can rise above our circumstances. We can change our lives by changing our attitudes and the ways in which we respond to things that happen to us. I can’t tell you for certain what was going on in her mind when she took the pills that they say killed her. But I know that Leslie never fully grasped something that changed my life—and could possibly change yours too.

  When I was a boy living in a dysfunctional family, I couldn’t control my circumstances. The fighting and drinking were inescapable. As I grew older, I did finally get away; I escaped physically by leaving the house and emotionally by abusing drugs and alcohol. I was punishing myself for something I had no control over. Eventually, I found a better way—a way I will describe for you in this book.

  YOU SHOULD NEVER LIVE WITH A VICTIM’S MENTALITY

  Understand for now that when you find yourself in a bad situation, you should know that what happens to you does not define you. By that I mean you can rise above a bad environment, a hurtful relationship, or anything else beyond your control that happens to you. What matters is how you respond. You have full ownership over your choices. You can make a decision, as I did eventually, to take charge and move on in a positive direction. You may not see a way out now, but there is a way. Do not give up. Do not punish yourself like I did for too long, or sadly, like Leslie did.

  You should never live with a victim’s mentality. You may have been abused, but that does not mean you deserved it. No one deserves abuse. You should never allow others to hurt you physically or mentally. You can walk away. There are safe places for you to go, better places where you can command your daily life and never again be a victim. It is torture and torment to live that way.

  I wish Leslie and I could have healed our relationship. I wish she’d accepted my offer to join me as I worked to become healthier. I wished the timing had been better and that I had committed many of my healing experiences to paper sooner. On so many levels, I can’t help but think that this book could have made a difference in her life. Although she is gone now, I do take some consolation in knowing that Leslie’s death was not without meaning. The loss of my sister inspired me to write this book. It
may not have been available to help her, but it is my sincerest hope that it will help other people. Please, let’s do this together, to honor the memory of the sister I loved and lost, and to help you claim the best life possible—the life you deserve.

  PERSONAL NOTES

  CHAPTER TWO

  PAST MATTERS

  MY FIRST CHILDHOOD home was an apartment above The Yankee Rebel bar in Jamestown, N.Y. Owned by my parents and grandmother, it was the area’s most popular bar and disco, and sometimes they had strippers too. My dad was the deejay, bartender, and host. We lived upstairs, so our place was party central after the bar closed. My parents and their friends were big drinkers. I’m not judging them. That’s just the way they were when we were growing up.

  Going to college and getting an education weren’t priorities in my rowdy family. Things like building character and taking care of your mind, body and spirit were rarely discussed around the dinner table. It seemed like there was always a party going on, or a fight.

  Family legend has it that when I was two years old I crawled into one of The Yankee Rebel’s liquor storage rooms where I was caught drinking for the first time. My parents always laughed at that. I laughed too, for a while, and then I didn’t laugh at it any more.

  I know now that it’s possible to drink responsibly. If you can do that, more power to you. But I didn’t see much of that kind of measured behavior growing up. I didn’t practice it much either. These days I try to think of alcohol as a drug—one of the biggest and most abused in my opinion. Certainly, that was the case in my family.

  We moved to the Tampa, Florida area in 1986 when I was six years old and my sister BJ (Bobby Jean) was two years old. My parents bought the Garden Villa Nursing Home, where they did everything from caring for patients to making the beds, tending the landscape, and cooking the meals. We lived in a little place on the grounds. Leslie was born in the nursing home that first year in Florida, and the twins, Aaron and Angel, arrived about a year and a half later.